Prologue:
Everyone has someone special to them that they love, cherish, and adore. My someone special is my twin sister, Nise. My sister means the world to me and there's nothing in the world that can change my feeling towards her. Our lives have been a roller coaster from tragic events happening in our lives to wonderful amazing events. She is why my heart beats, why I am the way I am, and why I could never live with out her. Throughout our lives I have always been there for her and will continue to be there for her no matter what lies ahead.
As we have gotten older, my sister and I have gotten closer and closer. The unconditional love and support that we will always have for one another is something that isn’t easy to find in any relationship. It sounds cliché, but it’s true that there is nothing as special as the bond between sisters and nothing can really break that bond. We will continue to always fight about clothes but we will never allow that to create distance between us. But no matter what I will fight for my sister, I am here for my sister, and would do anything for my sister as long as I live.
(I'm not quite sure where my place is yet.)
Everyone has someone special to them that they love, cherish, and adore. My someone special is my twin sister, Nise. My sister means the world to me and there's nothing in the world that can change my feeling towards her. Our lives have been a roller coaster from tragic events happening in our lives to wonderful amazing events. She is why my heart beats, why I am the way I am, and why I could never live with out her. Throughout our lives I have always been there for her and will continue to be there for her no matter what lies ahead.
As we have gotten older, my sister and I have gotten closer and closer. The unconditional love and support that we will always have for one another is something that isn’t easy to find in any relationship. It sounds cliché, but it’s true that there is nothing as special as the bond between sisters and nothing can really break that bond. We will continue to always fight about clothes but we will never allow that to create distance between us. But no matter what I will fight for my sister, I am here for my sister, and would do anything for my sister as long as I live.
(I'm not quite sure where my place is yet.)
Photo Story of me and my sister
Song: I'll stand by you.
Dear Diary,
How did my life get so outta control so quickly? My head is spinning and I have no idea how I got here and I am scared I will never get out of this. It is getting worse and worse but as long as I can just stay well throughout the day I don’t even care. I can’t sleep for more than 3 hours at a time. I wake up sweating profusely but freezing cold. I have to get well in the middle of the night now. The last three nights it was at exactly 3:16 and I thought of the Bible. But I don’t want eternal life if it feels anything like this. I want to just die and go away but something tells me that I am not that lucky. I am so full of fear, guilt, shame, remorse. Each shot I take I tell myself it is going to be the last and I really mean it. Then a few hours later it takes back over and I get high. I am a slave. When I could stop doing this I never wanted to cause it felt so good. Now that I want to stop… more than anything, I can’t. I have to fix first thing in the morning before I get out of bed. I shoot up again before I can be well enough just to make it into Camden to get enough to stay OK for the day. I stopped even getting high months ago but I need it. The sickness is such an indescribable pain that I can’t help but keep using. I almost got robbed in the city today. What is a young blonde haired girl doing in the projects anyway? I wish they would kill me sometimes for my $90 just to take me out of my misery. I can’t even look at my sister. They only time I speak with my family is if I need money. If they don’t give it to me I will steal it anyway. I feel so useless. My depression is getting so much worse. Just when I feel like I have nothing to live for I get a good hit and it reminds me why I do this all day every day. I have been chasing that feeling for years now I think. This is hopeless. My palms are starting to get sweaty. I have that uncomfortable feeling in my throat. It is happening again. I’m getting sick already? I just got well an hour ago. I need to scrap the spoon. Good thing I saved my cottons. Maybe I have enough for a shot then I can hustle up enough to get back to the city. I haven’t eaten in a week. I am so miserable. Maybe the next shot will take me back to the feeling I had when this was working? It has to work again. This is all I know and all I have to make me feel better, happy, and normal. It is getting worse. I have to go do this now. Please if anyone reads this. I need help!
Nise
I don’t think you know what you mean to me
I hate when your sad
I hate when your upset
But just know
I'll always be here
Whether it’s good or bad.
I don’t know what I would do
If I ever lost you
I don’t think my heart
Would ever be the same
Living without you.
Through thick and thin
Through darkness and light
I will always be there
To hold your hand
I love you more than anything
Dear Diary,
I don't know anymore. I feel that everything I do for her, she keeps going back to her same ways but it doesn't matter because I'll be right back by her side, chasing in through the streets, and doing everything possible. My family (more like my asshole father ) has put everything on me. I can't take it, he makes it like she's my daughter and I should feel guilty about her. I have to be strong for her, I will always keep going for her and never let her down. She can't see my weaknesses because she might fail. Today was unbelievable, my father called me in the middle of the class telling me to fucking find my sister, that she might be in Camden. What the fuck, shes your daughter but you know what, I'll be the father and the sister. I know it seems that I am angry with her but I could never be, I'm angry that my father seems to not care or want to help. How could she be like that? She is blood, his daughter. The whole way up I was dreading to find her, dreading to see her on the side of the rode either arrested, sick, or even being attacked. There was so many thoughts going through my head. I don't understand how people can just seem to become this way. I would never give up on my sisters even if it cost me everything because I could never replace her with someone else. She's my everything, shes my world, and shes what I think about when I wake up and when I can go to sleep. Every second, minute, hour, day, night, week, month, and year is devoted to my sister. I live for her and I won't let her fall, I won't let her give up, I am hear for her for her to scream, cry, hit, do whatever she needs if she only would just take the offer. Please Lord, give her the strength to do this and I will sacrifice anything and everything!
Manda
Letter to my sister
“I’d sacrifice my hearting beat for you.” –Shinedown
Intervention Scene
Skype Conversation
Song:
I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the World that I’m coming
Dear Manda,
I’m not even sure where to start… I guess I will start by saying I;m sorry. Growing up as twin sisters we were always very close to one another. Always had a friend to hang around with and get in trouble with. Two peas in a pod, we did everything together. As a kid I looked up to you as a younger sister would even thou you weren’t much older at all. You had characteristics that I could not comprehend, you showed a strong sense of independence, you were not easily persuaded, and you were focused. All those things I lacked and tried my hardest to accomplish but failed. It wasn’t until about high school, junior year that we started really showing signs of independence within each other. You had your group of friends and I had mine, occasionally we would meet in the middle but not often. Even thou we branched our separate ways as two individuals you were always there when I needed you to be. It wasn’t until I was in my drug addiction that I felt I had become a stranger not only to myself but to you, my other half. For five years of my active addiction I have ran through the entire family like a tornado, swearing you and everyone else off, blaming you, telling you to talk to me at my grave and just destroying whatever remained of our relationship in my eyes. I can not imagine the pain and sorrow that I created in you from how I treated you. Sept 2nd 2007 I came to my senses and realized everything. Now, 4 years later clean and sober I look back and see everything.
Manda, there aren’t words in the any language that can describe my gratitude and thanks to you. For 5 years of agony, hopelessness, and pain you never gave up on me. You kept encouraging me to do better, to be a sister again and to just stop. Despite your own pain and suffering you tried your hardest to carry me through mine. You are a huge component in giving me my life back and there is nothing I can do to repay that. I was taught through the AA program that the only thanks I can show is a living amends, to stay sober and to be that sister that I was. I know its only been 4 years but I can promise that this is only the beginning. Thank you for being my light when I was in my darkest place, for being my hope when I was filled with doubt, and for being my sister through it all.
Love, Nise
Song: I'll stand by you.
Dear Diary,
How did my life get so outta control so quickly? My head is spinning and I have no idea how I got here and I am scared I will never get out of this. It is getting worse and worse but as long as I can just stay well throughout the day I don’t even care. I can’t sleep for more than 3 hours at a time. I wake up sweating profusely but freezing cold. I have to get well in the middle of the night now. The last three nights it was at exactly 3:16 and I thought of the Bible. But I don’t want eternal life if it feels anything like this. I want to just die and go away but something tells me that I am not that lucky. I am so full of fear, guilt, shame, remorse. Each shot I take I tell myself it is going to be the last and I really mean it. Then a few hours later it takes back over and I get high. I am a slave. When I could stop doing this I never wanted to cause it felt so good. Now that I want to stop… more than anything, I can’t. I have to fix first thing in the morning before I get out of bed. I shoot up again before I can be well enough just to make it into Camden to get enough to stay OK for the day. I stopped even getting high months ago but I need it. The sickness is such an indescribable pain that I can’t help but keep using. I almost got robbed in the city today. What is a young blonde haired girl doing in the projects anyway? I wish they would kill me sometimes for my $90 just to take me out of my misery. I can’t even look at my sister. They only time I speak with my family is if I need money. If they don’t give it to me I will steal it anyway. I feel so useless. My depression is getting so much worse. Just when I feel like I have nothing to live for I get a good hit and it reminds me why I do this all day every day. I have been chasing that feeling for years now I think. This is hopeless. My palms are starting to get sweaty. I have that uncomfortable feeling in my throat. It is happening again. I’m getting sick already? I just got well an hour ago. I need to scrap the spoon. Good thing I saved my cottons. Maybe I have enough for a shot then I can hustle up enough to get back to the city. I haven’t eaten in a week. I am so miserable. Maybe the next shot will take me back to the feeling I had when this was working? It has to work again. This is all I know and all I have to make me feel better, happy, and normal. It is getting worse. I have to go do this now. Please if anyone reads this. I need help!
Nise
I don’t think you know what you mean to me
I hate when your sad
I hate when your upset
But just know
I'll always be here
Whether it’s good or bad.
I don’t know what I would do
If I ever lost you
I don’t think my heart
Would ever be the same
Living without you.
Through thick and thin
Through darkness and light
I will always be there
To hold your hand
I love you more than anything
Dear Diary,
I don't know anymore. I feel that everything I do for her, she keeps going back to her same ways but it doesn't matter because I'll be right back by her side, chasing in through the streets, and doing everything possible. My family (more like my asshole father ) has put everything on me. I can't take it, he makes it like she's my daughter and I should feel guilty about her. I have to be strong for her, I will always keep going for her and never let her down. She can't see my weaknesses because she might fail. Today was unbelievable, my father called me in the middle of the class telling me to fucking find my sister, that she might be in Camden. What the fuck, shes your daughter but you know what, I'll be the father and the sister. I know it seems that I am angry with her but I could never be, I'm angry that my father seems to not care or want to help. How could she be like that? She is blood, his daughter. The whole way up I was dreading to find her, dreading to see her on the side of the rode either arrested, sick, or even being attacked. There was so many thoughts going through my head. I don't understand how people can just seem to become this way. I would never give up on my sisters even if it cost me everything because I could never replace her with someone else. She's my everything, shes my world, and shes what I think about when I wake up and when I can go to sleep. Every second, minute, hour, day, night, week, month, and year is devoted to my sister. I live for her and I won't let her fall, I won't let her give up, I am hear for her for her to scream, cry, hit, do whatever she needs if she only would just take the offer. Please Lord, give her the strength to do this and I will sacrifice anything and everything!
Manda
Letter to my sister
“I’d sacrifice my hearting beat for you.” –Shinedown
Intervention Scene
Skype Conversation
Song:
I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the World that I’m coming
Dear Manda,
I’m not even sure where to start… I guess I will start by saying I;m sorry. Growing up as twin sisters we were always very close to one another. Always had a friend to hang around with and get in trouble with. Two peas in a pod, we did everything together. As a kid I looked up to you as a younger sister would even thou you weren’t much older at all. You had characteristics that I could not comprehend, you showed a strong sense of independence, you were not easily persuaded, and you were focused. All those things I lacked and tried my hardest to accomplish but failed. It wasn’t until about high school, junior year that we started really showing signs of independence within each other. You had your group of friends and I had mine, occasionally we would meet in the middle but not often. Even thou we branched our separate ways as two individuals you were always there when I needed you to be. It wasn’t until I was in my drug addiction that I felt I had become a stranger not only to myself but to you, my other half. For five years of my active addiction I have ran through the entire family like a tornado, swearing you and everyone else off, blaming you, telling you to talk to me at my grave and just destroying whatever remained of our relationship in my eyes. I can not imagine the pain and sorrow that I created in you from how I treated you. Sept 2nd 2007 I came to my senses and realized everything. Now, 4 years later clean and sober I look back and see everything.
Manda, there aren’t words in the any language that can describe my gratitude and thanks to you. For 5 years of agony, hopelessness, and pain you never gave up on me. You kept encouraging me to do better, to be a sister again and to just stop. Despite your own pain and suffering you tried your hardest to carry me through mine. You are a huge component in giving me my life back and there is nothing I can do to repay that. I was taught through the AA program that the only thanks I can show is a living amends, to stay sober and to be that sister that I was. I know its only been 4 years but I can promise that this is only the beginning. Thank you for being my light when I was in my darkest place, for being my hope when I was filled with doubt, and for being my sister through it all.
Love, Nise