Prologue:
Everyone has someone special to them that they love, cherish, and adore. My someone special is my twin sister, Nise. My sister means the world to me and there's nothing in the world that can change my
feeling towards her. Our lives have been a roller coaster from tragic events happening in our lives to wonderful amazing events. She is why my heart beats, why I am the way I am, and why I could never live with out her.Throughout our lives I have always been there for her and will continue to be there for her no matter what lies ahead. As we have gotten older, my sister and I have gotten closer and closer. The unconditional love and support that we will always have for one another is something that isn’t easy to find in any relationship. It sounds cliche, but it’s true that there is nothing as special as the bond between sisters and nothing can really break that bond. But no matter what I will fight for my sister, I am here for my sister, and would do anything for my sister as long as I live.
My place is an emotional place of being "my sister's keeper." Every since I was young I was ther for my sister and tried to protect her from everything. Through the darkest time to the brightest day i will be there for my sister.
Everyone has someone special to them that they love, cherish, and adore. My someone special is my twin sister, Nise. My sister means the world to me and there's nothing in the world that can change my
feeling towards her. Our lives have been a roller coaster from tragic events happening in our lives to wonderful amazing events. She is why my heart beats, why I am the way I am, and why I could never live with out her.Throughout our lives I have always been there for her and will continue to be there for her no matter what lies ahead. As we have gotten older, my sister and I have gotten closer and closer. The unconditional love and support that we will always have for one another is something that isn’t easy to find in any relationship. It sounds cliche, but it’s true that there is nothing as special as the bond between sisters and nothing can really break that bond. But no matter what I will fight for my sister, I am here for my sister, and would do anything for my sister as long as I live.
My place is an emotional place of being "my sister's keeper." Every since I was young I was ther for my sister and tried to protect her from everything. Through the darkest time to the brightest day i will be there for my sister.
"I'll never wake up without an overdose of you!" Skillet
Dear Diary,
I don't know anymore. I feel that everything I do for her, she keeps going back to her same ways but it doesn't matter because I'll be right back by her side, chasing in through the streets, and doing everything possible tomorrow. My family (more like my asshole father has put everything on me. I can't take it, he makes it like she's my daughter and I should feel guilty about her. I have to be strong for her, I will always keep going for her and never let her down. She can't see my weaknesses because she might fail. Today was unbelievable, my father called me in the middle of the class telling me to fucking find my sister, that she might be in Camden. What the fuck, shes your daughter but you know what, I'll be the father and the sister. I know it seems that I am angry with her but I could never be, I'm angry that my father seems to not care or want to help. How could she be like that? She is blood, his daughter. The whole way up I was dreading to find her, dreading to see her on the side of the rode either arrested, sick, or even being attacked. There was so many thoughts going through my head. I don't understand how people can just seem to become this way. I would never give up on my sisters even if it cost me everything because I could never replace her with someone else. She's my everything, shes my world, and shes what I think about when I wake up and when I can go to sleep. Every second, minute, hour, day, night, week, month, and year is devoted to my sister. I live for her and I won't let her fall, I won't let her give up, I am hear for her for her to scream, cry, hit, do whatever she needs if she only would just take the offer. Please Lord, give her the strength to do this and I will sacrifice anything and everything!
Manda
I don't know anymore. I feel that everything I do for her, she keeps going back to her same ways but it doesn't matter because I'll be right back by her side, chasing in through the streets, and doing everything possible tomorrow. My family (more like my asshole father has put everything on me. I can't take it, he makes it like she's my daughter and I should feel guilty about her. I have to be strong for her, I will always keep going for her and never let her down. She can't see my weaknesses because she might fail. Today was unbelievable, my father called me in the middle of the class telling me to fucking find my sister, that she might be in Camden. What the fuck, shes your daughter but you know what, I'll be the father and the sister. I know it seems that I am angry with her but I could never be, I'm angry that my father seems to not care or want to help. How could she be like that? She is blood, his daughter. The whole way up I was dreading to find her, dreading to see her on the side of the rode either arrested, sick, or even being attacked. There was so many thoughts going through my head. I don't understand how people can just seem to become this way. I would never give up on my sisters even if it cost me everything because I could never replace her with someone else. She's my everything, shes my world, and shes what I think about when I wake up and when I can go to sleep. Every second, minute, hour, day, night, week, month, and year is devoted to my sister. I live for her and I won't let her fall, I won't let her give up, I am hear for her for her to scream, cry, hit, do whatever she needs if she only would just take the offer. Please Lord, give her the strength to do this and I will sacrifice anything and everything!
Manda
“If you only knew I’d sacrifice my beating heart for you.” Shinedown
Dear Diary,
How did my life get so outta control so quickly? My head is spinning and I have no idea how I got here and I am scared I will never get out of this. It is getting worse and worse but as long as I can just stay well
throughout the day I don’t even care. I can’t sleep for more than 3 hours at a time. I wake up sweating profusely but freezing cold. I have to get well in the middle of the night now. The last three nights it was at exactly 3:16 and I thought of the Bible. But I don’t want eternal life if it feels anything like this. I want to just die and go away but something tells me that I am not that lucky. I am so full of fear, guilt, shame, and remorse. Each shot I take I tell myself it is going to be the last and I really mean it. Then a few hours later it takes back over and I get high. I am a slave. When I could stop doing this I never wanted to cause it felt so good. Now that I want to stop… more than anything,I can’t. I have to fix first thing in the morning before I get out of bed. I shoot up again before I can be well enough just to make it into Camden to get enough to stay OK for the day. I stopped even getting high months ago but I need it. The sickness is such an indescribable pain that I can’t help but keep using. I almost got robbed in the city today. What is a young blonde haired girl doing in the projects anyway? I wish they would kill me sometimes for my $90 just to take me out of my misery. I can’t even look at my sister. They only time I speak with my family is if I need money. If they don’t give it to me I will steal it anyway. I feel so useless. My depression is getting so much worse. Just when I feel like I have nothing to live for I get a good hit and it reminds me why I do this all day every day. I have been chasing that feeling for years now I think. This is hopeless. My palms are starting to get sweaty. I have that uncomfortable feeling in my throat. It is happening again. I’m getting sick already? I just got well an hour ago. I need to scrap the spoon. Good thing I saved my cottons. Maybe I have enough for a shot then I can hustle up enough to get back to the city. I haven’t eaten in a week. I am so miserable. Maybe the next shot will take me back to the feeling I had when this was working? It has to work again. This is all I know and all I have to make me feel better, happy, and normal. It is getting worse. I have to go do this now. Please if anyone reads this. I need help!
Nise
How did my life get so outta control so quickly? My head is spinning and I have no idea how I got here and I am scared I will never get out of this. It is getting worse and worse but as long as I can just stay well
throughout the day I don’t even care. I can’t sleep for more than 3 hours at a time. I wake up sweating profusely but freezing cold. I have to get well in the middle of the night now. The last three nights it was at exactly 3:16 and I thought of the Bible. But I don’t want eternal life if it feels anything like this. I want to just die and go away but something tells me that I am not that lucky. I am so full of fear, guilt, shame, and remorse. Each shot I take I tell myself it is going to be the last and I really mean it. Then a few hours later it takes back over and I get high. I am a slave. When I could stop doing this I never wanted to cause it felt so good. Now that I want to stop… more than anything,I can’t. I have to fix first thing in the morning before I get out of bed. I shoot up again before I can be well enough just to make it into Camden to get enough to stay OK for the day. I stopped even getting high months ago but I need it. The sickness is such an indescribable pain that I can’t help but keep using. I almost got robbed in the city today. What is a young blonde haired girl doing in the projects anyway? I wish they would kill me sometimes for my $90 just to take me out of my misery. I can’t even look at my sister. They only time I speak with my family is if I need money. If they don’t give it to me I will steal it anyway. I feel so useless. My depression is getting so much worse. Just when I feel like I have nothing to live for I get a good hit and it reminds me why I do this all day every day. I have been chasing that feeling for years now I think. This is hopeless. My palms are starting to get sweaty. I have that uncomfortable feeling in my throat. It is happening again. I’m getting sick already? I just got well an hour ago. I need to scrap the spoon. Good thing I saved my cottons. Maybe I have enough for a shot then I can hustle up enough to get back to the city. I haven’t eaten in a week. I am so miserable. Maybe the next shot will take me back to the feeling I had when this was working? It has to work again. This is all I know and all I have to make me feel better, happy, and normal. It is getting worse. I have to go do this now. Please if anyone reads this. I need help!
Nise
" Tell me its over I don't want you to hurt."Shinedown
Shit, cops pulling me over. What the fuck did I do? Omg is it because I'm driving my sisters car? Shit..shit.. what do I do? I don't have any of my stuff. Okay. okay think.. hurry their coming to the window. Okay I got this. Stay under control and everything will be okay. So yes I lied and said I was my sister, so she wouldnt get into trouble so what. Omg they can't find out? right? Well at least not now since I have no i.d. Maybe.. I'll only get into a little trouble... Omg I'm so nervous... 3 more cops came... Holy Shit Nise!
" I am lost without you I cannot live at all my whole world surrounds you."Puddle of Mud
I don’t think you know what you mean to me
I hate when your sad
I hate when your upset
But just know
I'll always be here
Whether it’s good or bad.
I don’t know what I would do
If I ever lost you
I don’t think my heart
Would ever be the same
Living without you.
Through thick and thin
Through darkness and light
I will always be there
To hold your hand
I love you more than anything
I hate when your sad
I hate when your upset
But just know
I'll always be here
Whether it’s good or bad.
I don’t know what I would do
If I ever lost you
I don’t think my heart
Would ever be the same
Living without you.
Through thick and thin
Through darkness and light
I will always be there
To hold your hand
I love you more than anything
" No, you'll never be alone when darkness comes,I'll light the night with stars."Skillet
We were all sitting in this room in a cicle awaiting for my sister to walk in. The counselor was speaking to us but it was all a blurr to me. All I could think of was how my sisters was going to react when she waked in here. She had no idea we were all awaitign her to tell her how we feel. My mom, dad, brother, and grandparents just sat their among one another looking at each other. No words were hardley shared and all I could hear was the clock: tick tock tick tock. Then it all happened, NIse walked in.
" Denise your family is here to speak with you", the counselor said.
" Please Nise, we love you, you need help. This isn't you, your hurting inside ,and you need to get better", my mother said.
Then everyone said what was on their mind to my sister. She stood in the circle just looking at us like she wanted to throw the chair at us. I didn't know what to say, was she going to get pissed at me? I was so scared, ohh no its my turn to speak...
" Nise, I love you so much. Please just go get help. I will move with you so your not alone. We can go together, I just want you to be happy again and be who you are. You need to stop getting high, your hurting yourself."
Tears just rolled down my face and then my sister spoke. She looked and pointed at each one of us as said: " fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. fuck you, and fuck you, next time you talk to me will be at my grave so make the arrangements now at Holy family Church." My sister stormed out. I just sat their crying harder and harder. I can't believe that's what she said. "Why won't she get help Lord? "
" Denise your family is here to speak with you", the counselor said.
" Please Nise, we love you, you need help. This isn't you, your hurting inside ,and you need to get better", my mother said.
Then everyone said what was on their mind to my sister. She stood in the circle just looking at us like she wanted to throw the chair at us. I didn't know what to say, was she going to get pissed at me? I was so scared, ohh no its my turn to speak...
" Nise, I love you so much. Please just go get help. I will move with you so your not alone. We can go together, I just want you to be happy again and be who you are. You need to stop getting high, your hurting yourself."
Tears just rolled down my face and then my sister spoke. She looked and pointed at each one of us as said: " fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. fuck you, and fuck you, next time you talk to me will be at my grave so make the arrangements now at Holy family Church." My sister stormed out. I just sat their crying harder and harder. I can't believe that's what she said. "Why won't she get help Lord? "
"Nothing you confess can make me love you less". Carrie Underwood "
Why can't she just understand the way this hurts me? To see her like this, so weak, hurt, and destroying everything that is around her. Sometimes I wish I could go through this pain instead of her. How can she not see that I am giving everything I have for her just to get help. Please Lord give her the stregnth to
do this and give me the power to get her to see the light.
do this and give me the power to get her to see the light.
When I look at this chip I see more than what other may see it as. I see:
Courage
Hopelessness
Strength
Fear
Love
Weakness
Power
Selfish
Pride
Lonely
Willingness
Doubt
Achievment
Darkness
Bravery
Pain
Dedication
Courage
Hopelessness
Strength
Fear
Love
Weakness
Power
Selfish
Pride
Lonely
Willingness
Doubt
Achievment
Darkness
Bravery
Pain
Dedication
Dear Manda,
I’m not even sure where to start… I guess I will start by saying I'm sorry. Growing up as twin sisters we were always very close to one another. Always had a friend to hang around with and get in trouble with. Two peas in a pod, we did everything together. As a kid I looked up to you as a younger sister would even thou you weren’t much older at all. You had characteristics that I could not comprehend, you showed a strong sense of independence, you were not easily persuaded, and you were focused. All those things I lacked and tried my hardest to accomplish but failed. It wasn’t until about high school, junior year that we
started really showing signs of independence within each other. You had your group of friends and I had mine, occasionally we would meet in the middle but not often. Even thou we branched our separate ways as two individuals you were always there when I needed you to be. It wasn’t until I was in my drug addiction that I felt I had become a stranger not only to myself but to you, my other half. For five years of my active addiction I have ran through the entire family like a tornado, swearing you and everyone else off, blaming you, telling you to talk to me at my grave and just destroying whatever remained of our relationship in my eyes. I can not imagine the pain and sorrow that I created in you from how I treated you.Sept 2nd 2007 I came to my senses and realized everything. Now, 4 years later clean and sober I look back and see everything. Manda, there aren’t enough words in any language that can describe my gratitude and thanks to you. For 5 years of agony, hopelessness, and pain you never gave up on me. You kept encouraging me to do better, to be a sister again and to just stop. Despite your own pain and suffering you tried your hardest to carry me through mine. You are a huge component in giving me my life back and there is nothing I can do to repay that. I was taught through the AA program that the only thanks I can show is a living amends, to stay sober and to be that sister that I was. I know its only been 4 years but I can promise that this is only the beginning. Thank you for being my light when I was in my darkest place, for being my hope when I was filled with doubt, and for being my sister through it all.
Love,
Nise
I’m not even sure where to start… I guess I will start by saying I'm sorry. Growing up as twin sisters we were always very close to one another. Always had a friend to hang around with and get in trouble with. Two peas in a pod, we did everything together. As a kid I looked up to you as a younger sister would even thou you weren’t much older at all. You had characteristics that I could not comprehend, you showed a strong sense of independence, you were not easily persuaded, and you were focused. All those things I lacked and tried my hardest to accomplish but failed. It wasn’t until about high school, junior year that we
started really showing signs of independence within each other. You had your group of friends and I had mine, occasionally we would meet in the middle but not often. Even thou we branched our separate ways as two individuals you were always there when I needed you to be. It wasn’t until I was in my drug addiction that I felt I had become a stranger not only to myself but to you, my other half. For five years of my active addiction I have ran through the entire family like a tornado, swearing you and everyone else off, blaming you, telling you to talk to me at my grave and just destroying whatever remained of our relationship in my eyes. I can not imagine the pain and sorrow that I created in you from how I treated you.Sept 2nd 2007 I came to my senses and realized everything. Now, 4 years later clean and sober I look back and see everything. Manda, there aren’t enough words in any language that can describe my gratitude and thanks to you. For 5 years of agony, hopelessness, and pain you never gave up on me. You kept encouraging me to do better, to be a sister again and to just stop. Despite your own pain and suffering you tried your hardest to carry me through mine. You are a huge component in giving me my life back and there is nothing I can do to repay that. I was taught through the AA program that the only thanks I can show is a living amends, to stay sober and to be that sister that I was. I know its only been 4 years but I can promise that this is only the beginning. Thank you for being my light when I was in my darkest place, for being my hope when I was filled with doubt, and for being my sister through it all.
Love,
Nise
[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]
[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]By E. E. Cummings 1894–1962
i carry your heart with me(i
carry it in
my heart)i am never without
it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and
whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my
darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my
fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you
are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a
moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will
always sing is you
here is the deepest secret
nobody knows
(here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a
tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or
mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's
keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it
in my heart)
[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]By E. E. Cummings 1894–1962
i carry your heart with me(i
carry it in
my heart)i am never without
it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and
whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my
darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my
fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you
are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a
moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will
always sing is you
here is the deepest secret
nobody knows
(here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a
tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or
mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's
keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it
in my heart)